you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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