This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
