I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
