so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
