The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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