Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
