we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
