Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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