my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
