1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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