Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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