I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I touched a dick in church today
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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