Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
