He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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