I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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