I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
