he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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