Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
