Jerry, you need to find god
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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