How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
