Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
