Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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