she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nutella sex= disaster
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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