You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
