I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
