got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
