Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
