be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
