but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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