I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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