We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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