I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's rum buckets o'clock
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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