My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
