i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
