so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
