Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
