Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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