Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
