Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
