And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
