Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
