Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
