Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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