I want to have your abortion
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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