I am puke
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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