Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
