I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
