WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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