Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
