this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
