Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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